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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29850306">The Dead Non-Gender Specific Persons</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sithvrism/pseuds/sithvrism'>sithvrism</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adult Valkyrie Cain, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anton Can Relate, China Just Wants A Goddamn Break, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Group chat, M/M, Married Ghastly Bespoke/Tanith Low, Not Canon Compliant, Phase Two Does Not Exist Cause Phase Two Sucks, Rated M for language, Texting, Valkyrie &amp; Tanith &amp; Fletcher Are The Trio You Never Realised You Wanted, Valkyrie Is Not A Depressed Mess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:26:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>962</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29850306</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sithvrism/pseuds/sithvrism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sword mama: F in the chat for saracen </p><p>sexy hair: F</p><p>bicep queen: F</p><p>ab daddy: What does that mean?</p><p>sexy hair: tanith this was a terrible idea</p><p>bicep queen: they’re too old to appreciate our humour</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ghastly Bespoke/Tanith Low, Saracen Rue/Dexter Vex, Valkyrie Cain/Skulduggery Pleasant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Dead Non-Gender Specific Persons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Everyone is alive and happy and Erskine is not a traitor in this fic because I said so. </p><p>Darquesse did happen but instead of Valkyrie running away and becoming a hermit for half a decade, she and Skulduggery travelled the world and healed or some shit because no way did Skul just let his depressed best friend leave on her own. Then they returned and Val realised that everyone who mattered had already forgiven her, she just needed to forgive herself.</p><p>Also, Valkyrie managed to get the remnant out of Tanith using the giant soul catcher so Tanith and Ghastly were dating by Death Bringer.</p><p>Anyway! Enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong><em>Tanith Low</em></strong> created a group chat.</p><p> </p><p>Chat name changed to <strong>The Dead Non-Gender Specific Persons.</strong></p><p> </p><p><strong><em>Tanith Low</em></strong> changed their name to <strong><em>sword mama</em></strong>.</p><p> </p><p><strong><em>Tanith Low</em></strong> added <strong><em>Valkyrie Cain</em>, <em>Fletcher</em>, <em>Skulduggery Pleasant</em>, <em>Ghastly Bespoke</em>, <em>Dexter Vex</em>, <em>Saracen Rue</em>, <em>Anton Shudder</em>, <em>Erskine Ravel</em></strong> and <strong><em>China Sorrows</em>.</strong></p><p> </p><p><strong><em>Valkyrie Cain</em></strong> changed their name to <em><strong>bicep queen.</strong></em></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>Fletcher Renn</strong> </em>changed their name to <strong><em>sexy hair.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong> </em>changed <em><strong>sexy hair</strong>'</em>s name to <em><strong>ridiculous hair</strong>.</em></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>u know so people will realise it's u</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>ridiculous hair</strong>: </em>if by ridiculous you mean ridiculously sexy then yes they will</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>keep dreaming</p><p> </p><p><strong><em>ridiculous hair</em> </strong>changed their name to <strong><em>sexy hair.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>don’t you dare change it val</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>:</em> it’s not accurate but whatever </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>we need to give everyone else names as well</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>:</em> hell yeah</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>this’ll be fun</p><p> </p><p><strong><em>Dexter Vex</em></strong> changed their name to <strong><em>Ab Daddy.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>accurate</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>Ab Daddy</strong>: </em>Thank you.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>:</em> pls stop those caps are giving me hives</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong> </em>changed <em><strong>Ab Daddy</strong> </em>to <strong><em>ab daddy.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>ab daddy</strong>: </em>Did you even go to school?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>does murder school count?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>ab daddy</strong>: </em>Ah...no.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>then no</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>we can’t all go to fancy magic schools u know</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>Skulduggery Pleasant</strong>: </em>You say that like you actually went to school, Valkyrie.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>well I got the memories of school</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>which was bad enough tyvm</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>amen</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>oh wait</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong> </em>changed <em><strong>Skulduggery Pleasant</strong> </em>to <strong><em>daddy bones.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>You have issues, Valkyrie.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>says the talking skeleton who agreed to date me</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>amen !!</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>Ghastly Bespoke</strong>: </em>What exactly is this?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>ab daddy</strong>: </em>It appears to be a group chat, your eminence.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong> </em>changed <em><strong>Ghastly Bespoke</strong> </em>to <strong><em>your lordship.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>your lordship</strong>: </em>Must you?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>i really must husband mine</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong> </em>changed <em><strong>Saracen Rue</strong> </em>to <strong><em>man hoe.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong> </em>changed <strong><em>Erskine Ravel</em></strong> to <strong><em>sugar father.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong> </em>changed <strong><em>Anton Shudder</em></strong> to <strong><em>hotel? daddio.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong> </em>changed <em><strong>China Sorrows</strong> </em>to<em> <strong>bitch queen.</strong></em></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>tanith no</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong> </em>changed <em><strong>bitch queen</strong> </em>to <strong><em>book queen.</em></strong></p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>that’s terrible</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>:</em> dude I don’t wanna die</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>good call</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>china can change it herself if she wants</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>exactamundo</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>your lordship</strong>: </em>This entire thing seems like a terrible idea.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>don’t be such a baby</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>man hoe</strong>: </em>Yeah careful, she could always change her mind and chose me instead.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>man hoe</strong>: </em>Also, loving the name Val.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>*finger guns*</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>in your dreams hoe</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>man hoe</strong>:</em> Ouch.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>your lordship</strong>: </em>I may be an Elder, Rue, but that doesn’t mean I won’t lay you out.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>ab daddy</strong>:</em> And if he doesn’t, I will.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>saracen’s in the doghouse tonight</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>man hoe</strong>: </em>I wouldn’t mind if it was like Xena’s.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>what are u talking about?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>Xena sleeps on my bed with me?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>oh</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>wow</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>wowwwww</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>:</em> Saracen.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>man hoe</strong>:</em> Oh shit. I was totally joking.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>F in the chat for saracen </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>F</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>F</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>ab daddy</strong>: </em>What does that mean?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>tanith this was a terrible idea</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>they’re too old to appreciate our humour</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>sad times :(</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>My humour outsells all of yours.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>because of me</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>Hardly. You’d be nothing without my sparkling wit, Cain.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>shut up jerk</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>Ah, thank you for proving my point. </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sugar father</strong>: </em>Fletcher?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>yeah?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sugar father</strong>: </em>Do you view me as a father figure?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>WHAT</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>NO</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>honestly i always thought he viewed skul as a father figure</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>man hoe</strong>: </em>Really? I thought it was Ghastly?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>NO FUCK OFF I DON’T VIEW ANY OF YOU AS A FATHER FIGURE</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>your lordship</strong>: </em>Fletcher, it’s okay son, calm down.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>If you continue to use language like that though, we may have to ground you.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>i hate all of you so much </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>:</em> aww we love you too fletch</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>yeah wuv u</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>book queen</strong> </em>left the chat.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>see my name choice was far more accurate</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong> </em>added <em><strong>China Sorrows</strong> </em>to the chat.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>chinaaaaaaa </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>don’t leave :(</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>China Sorrows</strong>: </em>Fine. I’ll stay but do not change my name and don’t expect me to engage with this chat.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>kay </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>u know u love us really</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>lies</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>i literally have no idea what ur beef is with e/o</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>your lordship</strong>: </em>I don’t even understand that sentence.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>hotel? daddio</strong>: </em>That’s because we decided to befriend children.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>ANTON</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>ANTON</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>ANTON</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>hotel? daddio</strong>: </em>What?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>nothing we’re just happy that ur talking</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>:</em> Nice to know who your favourite is.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>ab daddy</strong>: </em>I believe that I’m offended.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>your lordship</strong>:</em> At least one of them isn’t your wife.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>:p</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>Valkyrie, are you ready?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>???</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>for what?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>We have a case. The murder I told you about.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>seriously? </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>u said we weren’t going to take that case cause it wasn’t worth our time</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>No I didn’t.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>uhhh yes u did</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>your lordship</strong>: </em>Did he now?</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sugar father</strong>: </em>That’s nice to know.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>ohhhhh</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>whoops</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>daddy bones</strong>: </em>I’m going to leave you on the side of the road.</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>ha..ha </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>i’ll be ready in like 10</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>:</em> if u guys never hear from me again</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>skul has killed me</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sword mama</strong>: </em>got your back </p><p> </p><p><em><strong>sexy hair</strong>: </em>good luck val</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>bicep queen</strong>: </em>TT</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ghastly and Tanith not getting their endgame is my villain origin story...Landy you better sleep with one eye open.</p><p>This is not beta read so any I apologise for any mistakes.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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